By Laura Stephens Reed
Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “Where two Baptists are gathered, there are three opinions.” This is a humorous nod both to the strength of our convictions and to our Baptist distinctives, which encourage us to develop our own understandings of faith and life based on our readings of scripture and our relationships with God and community.
It’s also an expression of conflict which, at its root, is simply two or more people seeing things differently. Disagreement is key to personal and congregational growth. Without it, we are never invited to consider new practices or revisit beliefs we’ve held for a long time. That means we are unlikely to experience transformation.
Of course, we’ve all experienced conflict that has gone beyond a robust conversation about things that matter into a problem that threatens connections and collaboration. (These blow-ups are what most people think of when they hear the word “conflict.”) It seems like these kinds of disputes are becoming more frequent in our divided society, so it’s important to recognize the signs that conflict has become unhealthy:
- There is an “us vs. them” mentality, and every new piece of information further solidifies the camps.
- Each side assumes that the other is acting out of malice.
- No one holds out hope for a positive change in the situation.
- None of the parties involved remembers what originally kicked off the conflict.
- The conflict colors everything, even situations that have nothing to do with either the root or presenting issues.
- Those who are not part of the conflict withdraw from community life because it has become so toxic.
In her book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, Amanda Ripley explains the reasons a neutral conflict becomes a destructive one. Sometimes it is because someone in a group we closely identify with becomes embroiled in a clash, and we get pulled in because of our loyalty. It could be that we experience humiliation – whether or not the person we feel embarrassed by intends it – and we lash out in an attempt to save face. And there are, on some occasions, people who intentionally stir up discord because it benefits them in some way.
It’s best to address conflicts when they first pop up. When they are allowed to fester, they quickly grow in scope and pick up momentum. But even if the fracas has been going on a long time, there are ways to break out of it:
Open up neural pathways. When everything feels like a threat, human bodies are designed to channel all resources toward survival. Executive functioning and empathy, needed to resolve complex relational problems, are unavailable. Regain access to them by tapping into imagination, laughing, exercising or doing something else that reminds you that you are alive and have agency.
Assess what the conflict is costing. Blow-ups consume time and energy that can be better expended in other ways and that rend important relationships. Is holding the line in the disagreement really worth it?
Remember that you have identities other than just the one directly connected to the conflict. Ripley notes that most people see themselves as part of more than one group. Lean into a loyalty that is outside the clash, and that will make it more possible for you to see the dispute in a new light.
Work on a project together. A mutual goal allows people to do something alongside each other, which can make it easier to talk to one another. The shared objective can translate into cooperation in other areas.
Get curious. In deep disagreements, both sides have stopped wondering about what the other is thinking, feeling or doing. Ask earnest questions to start to break through the barrier between.
Listen to understand. This is not just waiting for a turn to speak, but showing that you’re truly listening by recapping what you’ve just heard, checking for accuracy, and responding to what you have learned.
Look for what is held in common. No matter how different people are, there is always something they share—such as values, passions or experiences that deeply affected them or even just an affinity for a particular band or sports team. Storytelling can be a way of drawing out these similarities. These connections provide a foundation for (re-)building relationships across camps.
Get outside help if needed. Some conflicts are so all-encompassing that no one in them can find the path out. That’s when you need fresh eyes and skilled facilitation from a state/regional or denominational leader, trusted clergyperson outside your congregation, consultant or coach.
Make a way out for others. Once you’ve emerged from the conflict, Ripley says it’s essential to help others escape it too. Let those still in it know what you now see: a bigger picture, better possible futures and specific strategies for getting out.
As with any issue, the best way to resolve unhealthy conflict is by prevention. Your congregation can mitigate possible problems with thorough communication, designing a covenant that details how members agree to interact with one another along with how they plan to hold one another accountable to those behaviors, offering opportunities for positive interactions (including events that are purely relational) and practicing having hard conversations on lower stakes matters to build up muscle.
Don’t be afraid of conflict. Learn how to recognize when it’s destructive rather than productive, though, then reach into your toolbox of preventative and in-the-moment measures to neutralize it. This is one way you can partner with God to build God’s reign.